you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
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Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
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This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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