Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
