i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
