I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
