I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
