matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
