at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
