Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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