just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
