I didn't shave. On purpose
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
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I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
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He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
And then the night went full on bisexual.