Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.