I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
