I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
