I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize