final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
