i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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