Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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