I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
he fucked my hip out of place.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
