I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
