I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
