I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize