DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
