When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
