Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
