dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
