I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
