DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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