whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
