I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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