I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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