Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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