Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
