I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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