im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
