Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
