my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We need to get me chipped asap
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