I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
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A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
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Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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