So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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