I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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