it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
