sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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