What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
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All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
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I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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