Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
