I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
