if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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