She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
