I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm sobbing to NWA
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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