She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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