I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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