Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
