we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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