My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
