The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
