o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
