So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
