i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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